Other New Standard Lunacy

After a trip to my doctor which included an x-ray and an EKG, and then a trip to North Fulton Regional Hospital for a full set of labs, another EKG, an IV which contained antibiotics and morphine (yes, it had become that painful) and a cat scan, it was determined that I had a nice case of.....

Pneumonia.

I'm now taking an antibiotic/steroid (Barry? Barry Bonds? Is that you?), a muscle relaxant, and pain pills. The pain pills are the exact same as my wife's.

The best parts of the day were:

****My wife taking off early from work and coming down to the emergency room. The only reason she knew where I was going was because I called her and asked where exactly the hospital was (one of those places you pass a million times but never notice).

****The morphine. I like morphine. I like it a lot. They should sell it over the counter. That would rock. I only asked for a low dosage (which didn't last nearly long enough) because I wanted to be able to drive my van home. In retrospect, I wish I had taken the full blast. We only live four miles away and could've left it there overnight.

****The injection of iodine into my shunt while they were doing my cat scan. That was very cool. Your whole body starts warming up at once. Awesome.

****The cat scan itself was pretty cool. It was like sliding in and out of a big metal doughnut.

****I can see why my wife likes the medical practice she goes to so much. Everybody there was really outgoing and friendly.

****The ER room I was in had cable. Freaking cable. That rocked. Morphine, my wife, and ESPN. It doesn't get much better than that.

I ended up at the hospital because my doctor originally thought I had Pluersy. But he didn't want to send me home without making sure my lungs were free of blood clots. He said I could wait and take it there but it would be a two hour wait. The other option was that he could burn my x-ray onto a DVD and print out all my medical info and go to North Fulton. We both thought that would be faster. We were both wrong.

Instead of just getting the cat scan, I got the whole shebang. Blood tests, urine test, IV, etc. I ended up there for about 4 hours.

Small price to pay.

(originally posted 4-15-2007)

Hi. I'm Owl. I'm strung out on a painkiller right now. I thought you should know that.

What? You wanna know why? Fine.

I popped a couple today. They were my wife's, but she can't take them. Sure, that's probably illegal, but hey, as you all know, I'm a rebel.

Last Thursday (forever known as Colin-gate) I took a nap. When I woke up, I felt a pain in my right rib cage. So I waited for the rib to heal up. I thought I had pulled a muscle. It was just a twinge. Sure enough, it soon felt better.

Then it started getting worse a couple of days ago.

Yesterday was miserable. I passed out on the couch at 11 am because I hadn't been able to sleep the night before.

When I got up, it was too late to run to the doctor. And fuck the emergency rooms. A little pain does not justify clogging up the system.

So I had no choice. I had to pop the pill. I watched "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader" while totally buzzed. I have since had two more and neither has worked like the first.

This absolutely sucks. Every breath I breath, every hic I cup, every yawn I yawn, and every cough I cough leads me into a new adventure in pain.

Luckily, my wife's doctor takes walk-ins from 8 am to 9 am.

That DOESN'T absolutely suck.

But the caveat is this: It could be so much worse. A URI is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'll drive over, he'll diagnose me, maybe stick a needle in my ass, and give me some antibiotics.

But right now, this fucking hurts. I'm not a happy camper. Just because I was too stupid to see a doctor earlier, I should be punished like this? The positive, wonderful person that I am?

The answer is "yes". This is what my ribs and lung are telling me. They are none too happy, either. Have you ever tried to reason with an angry rib?

I didn't bother trying to sleep tonight. Screw it. I'd fall asleep and not get up and end up taking 37 pills over the weekend. That would suck.

I'm pretty sure what's ailing me: I believe it's an upper respiratory infection. I should've gone and gotten some anti-biotics a few days ago. I never said I was smart.

And don't worry. I'm not strung out at all. I'm fine to drive.

And I hope each and every single one of you is really proud of yourself for not getting me my blonde hooker.

I blame this URI on all of you. Because I'm sure as fuck not going to blame myself. Not even a teeny, tiny, microscopic bit. Idiots like me always blame other people.

It's what makes us idiots, don't you know....

(originally posted 4-13-2007)

I found this at an adult site I cruise to on occasion. Of course, being the jerk that I am, I'll comment on it along the way.

"Phone sex basically amounts to masturbation while talking to someone on the phone."

Really? I thought it was auto repair. No wonder my oil wasn't changed afterward!

"This is a fairly ‘safe’ style of alternative sexual contact, as there is no physical risk at all, except for what you do to yourself."

Safe if you don't place the phone in an unsafe area of your body. Why is "safe" in quotes?

"Some people find phone sex easier than actual sex because of the fantasy element. They can imagine the erotic details themselves and set up the perfect sexual fantasy. No matter what the reason, there is much you can do when your partner is unseen."

Yeah, and you don't even need a paper bag to put on your partner's head or rent a room at Motel 6. They'll leave a light on for you though, if you do choose that route. Just bring your own sheets.

"What you can do when you’re having phone sex is limited only to your imagination. Most people appear to feel that the more creative you get, the better the sex. You could be in any room, doing anything. If you have a cordless hands-free phone, your options multiply. One word of caution – avoid the bathtub. We all know electricity and water don’t mix. As with any form of sex, as long as nobody gets hurt and everything is agreed to, anything goes."

Water and electricity don't mix? Next he'll be telling us oil and water don't mix. Hands free handset? I wish I were big enough to require two free hands. Alas, I am not. Not a bad idea, though.

"Phone sex ads are set up most of the time, it’s interesting to find that many women enjoy good phone sex as well. Men usually get off on hearing the sounds of pleasure coming from a woman and a woman likes the psychological element of the fantasy, but everyone is different."

Men enjoy hearing a woman. Seeing a woman. TYPING to a woman. Sorry, we're not overly picky about it. We don't care. If a woman's involved, we don't care too much about how we interact with them. Why does he find it interesting that women enjoy phone sex? Why wouldn't they?

"What's the best way to bring it up?"

I prefer "I can't wait to hear you scream my name into my ear, so slip your hubby a tranquilizer, grab your cell, drop your pants, and give me a hollah." By the way, this has never actually worked.

"Wait until the subject of sex is already on the table and then casually mention it."

Now he's talking! Sex on tables! Oh...never mind.

"The person you've met on ........ is already looking for sex, so expect good results if you aren't pushy. Phone sex makes a great early experiment for couples looking into new ideas."

So do orgies. How do you casually bring up phone sex? Every single lady I'e tried to bring it up to sees my motives immediately. Then again, saying "call me up and let's have a cumtoberfest." isn't exactly casual.

"How do you start?"

WHAT?????????

"You need to break the ice once you've said hello."

Sex on the rocks...ain't no surprise....just tell me I'm huge...and then tell me more lies....

"You might start by slowly describing what you like to do to your partner. Some people use humor or a sexy joke to get things rolling. Just think of how you can make a gentle sexy comment to test the waters and let things go from there."

"I want to slobber all over your pussy" probably wouldn't be considered "gentle".
"All this talk about phone sex should mention paid phone sex lines. Paid phone sex can be highly erotic. That's why they are so popular."

No, they're popular because it's guaranteed success. It's a business.

"The difference between these partners and a real partner is thatyou don't have to break the ice. That's what you're paying for. You say hello and they are ready to go. If you want to practice your skills, this might be an option for people wanting to get the flavor of phone sex to determine if it's your kind of thing and is enjoyable to you."

Phone sex with someone who is paid to hear you and talk dirty with you doesn't strike me as erotic at all. It strikes me as pathetic. I'd much rather have it with a woman I've spent a little time getting to know and like. I'd rather the person I'm talking with collect an orgasm rather than collect a commission. And did he really say "the flavor of phone sex?" What the fuck?

"The downside is the cost. Paid phone sex is expensive. There are also some unsavory characters in the smaller services. If you choose to try this, go with one of the bigger, more established companies in order to get the most for your money."

I'll have to google "established phone sex companies".

"Overall, phone sex can be a great addition to your sexual repertoire, with lots of positives and very few negatives compared to some other types of alternative sex. If you haven’t done so already, give it a try!"

Best line of the article. And once you've given it a try, do it again. And again. Like the old saying goes.....vote early and vote often.

(Originally posted 9-12-2006)