Other New Standard Lunacy

And as I reflect back on my life and all of my accomplishments (very few) and all the good I've done (none), I become quite melancholy. Actually, I don't know what melancholy means, but I think it has to do with a fear of cantaloupes.

But when I started this--I despise this word--"blog" last August, it really was done to make humanity better and to improve the world. But it eventually evolved into a whipping post of sorts for everything I dislike. I'm actually fine with this. And since you still come here, you must be as well.

But I've trashed, thrashed, libeled, insulted, made fun of, abused, spit on, and mocked so many people, I kind of feel a little sad. Like I've lost my way. Like I've made enemies. So in an effort to reach out to those I've hurt, I will list the main victims of my scorn and why I should be ashamed.

Cousin Dry Heaves--Cousin Oliver, I've called you every name in the book. Well, every name I could think of. I apologize. I really wish I could've thought of MORE names to call you, you fucking burn out.

The Stanford Tree--Stanford Tree, I apologize for emailing you and saying I wanted to throw you into a wood chipper. What I should've said was that I hope somebody soaks your bark in lighter fluid and "flicks their Bics" on you, you fucking worthless crappy ass mascot.

George Clooney--Gee, I'm sorry Mr. Magnificient. Really. I mean, I've accused you of staring at your own scrotum and of jerking of to pictures of yourself. That was out of line. I'll never do it again. Then again, I once said that I'd never utter the words "elf porn" again and I broke that, so fuck off.

Rosie O'Donnell--Hey bitchface. Let's see.....I called you a "no-talent" and a "hack" and other unsavory things. I'm sorry I didn't call you MORE unsavory things. I'll make up for that this year. Skank.

Bert & Ernie--Wow, huh? The three of us have been going at it lately. I outed you and you've been making unauthorized appearances in my blog and trashing me. But hey, no hard feelings, right?

Shaun Bon Jovi--Dude, I love your music. I'm sorry I let your secret slip out. I mean, if I had been Shaun Cassidy in the 1970's, I wouldn't want anybody knowing about it either. We cool?

Detective Mark Lounsbury--I've accused you of being a total incompetent and of trying to railroad an innocent woman, Julie Amero, into jail. I stand by this. Fuck you.

Dennis Green--After you threw your epic "You want to crown their ass? Then CROWN it" tantrum after your loss to the Bears this season, I went off on you. I said YOU were to blame for the loss and later on called you a retread. I apologize for that. I'm sure that you're well aware of the fact that you're a retread.

Mo Carthon--Hehehheehhehe.......I had fun with YOU, pal. But not nearly as much fun as you had calling the most bizarre plays in the NFL. Your playcalling was the only reason for the Browns losing to the Ravens in their first meeting last season. And now you're an assistant coach with the Arizona Cardinals. Haven't Cardinal fans suffered enough? At least you're not calling the plays there. Actually, you'll never call plays anywhere ever again.

MySpace--I haven't ripped on you good people--cough, cough--much since last November. But I did a pretty good job on you for awhile. I certainly hope you narcissistic assholes weren't offended by everything I said in the past. I just wanted to "show love" to you good people. Even people with the depth of a wading pool might develop real feelings one day. MIGHT.

Pernell Roberts--We had a deal. I'd send you thirty five bucks, and you'd guilt the readers of this blog into getting me a hot Swedish stripper. You failed. We then engaged in a brief "fuck you" contest. Well, you're a putz. That thirty five dollars was twice as much as any of your paying acting jobs. Suck on THAT, Crapper John, F.U.

Sugar Babies--I called you: sluts, hookers, tramps, whores, skanks, prostitutes, and so on. Here's a ten spot for all of you to share. It's double what you're all worth. Buy yourselves something nice. Like some penicillin shots.

Paul Reiser--It all started when I critiqued your series, "Mad About Your Boring Show". And I just couldn't stop insulting you. Well, actually I DID stop insulting you. And I was right to stop. Anybody who could put out such quality programming as "Mad About Your Pretentious Show" AND "My Two Tools" is clearly a talented and creative person who knows everything. Schlub.

Any guy who has dated Erin Moran, Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Erika Eliniak, Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Nicole Eggart and Natalie Raitano is A-O-FUCKING_KAY in my book. I apologize Scott.

Anybody who doesn't like Scott Baio sucks and is really stupid.

Ozzy Osbourne--Mumble, pass out, stumble, swear, snort more meth, pass out, wake up, stub toe against coffee table, pass out, curse, pass out....... Unlike with my boy, Scott Baio, my opinion of THIS guy hasn't changed at all.

John Cusack--John, I've been alleging that you and your sister Joan are one and the same. And while I stand by that, it wasn't cool of me to let out your secret. No hard feelings, okay?

Paris Hilton--Sure, I wasn't the only one who made fun of this hootchie mama. But I was pretty hard on her. Then again, that's much safer than being hard IN her.

Ty Pennington--HI TY! I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU: THAT YOU WERE A FUCKING OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE WITH THE BIGGEST MOUTH ON THE PLANET AND THAT YOU CRIED CROCODILE TEARS AND SHIT. I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY ABOUT SAYING THAT I'D LIKE TO JAM YOUR BULLHORN UP YOUR SKINNY, WORTHLESS ASS. WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT I'D LIKE TO JAM YOUR BULLHORN DOWN YOUR THROAT AND TAKE ANOTHER ONE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR SKINNY, WORTHLESS ASS. HAVE A NICE DAY, BIGMOUTH.

Jason Giambi--Dude, I'm sorry I called you a phony and a juicer. You never failed any tests for steroid use. Of course, they weren't testing for the juice when you were amping up like a Lenny Kravitz guitar, so gee, I guess we'll never know if you were cheating or not, huh? We'll just be total retards and assume you were clean. Uh huh.

I'm also sorry that I made reference to the fact that the teammate you ripped on to Sports Illustrated, Alex Rodriguez, will be ushered into the hall of fame on a golden chariot while you watch from the peanut gallery. When that happens in fifteen years or so, it'll be painful enough for you to watch without ME bringing it up. You fucking sell-out.

I'm glad I could take this opportunity to set the record straight with all of my new friends. Especially Scott. I look forward to being even MORE positive in the coming year. So when my 45th birthday comes along, I won't have to take an hour composing a blog entry devoted to apologizing all of the people I've wronged.

Like that warthog, Rosie O'Donnell. And the egotistical prick, George Clooney. And Paul "I Star in Shitty Shows And Write Shitty Books" Reiser. And that sanctimonious twit, Pernell Roberts. And.....Paris "Crabs" Hilton.

Yes, I look forward to a nicer, more positive 360 page. A place where a loser like Cousin Show Destroyer can come and hang out and feel good. A place where Paula can come while drooling on her bib.

Yes. That is my goal. I want to be a better person. I really do.

Then again, I want to have sex with: Gina Glockson, Haley Scarnato, Lulu, Jessica Alba, jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Von Oy, Kyra Sedgewick, Olivia Newton-John and 90's porno star, P.J. Sparxx.

And I don't really don't see that happening either.

(originally posted 3-27-2007)