I have my resume up on Monster and Careerbuilder. Needless to say, a lot of firms looking for salespeople contact you when you do this. The title of my resume at both sites is "Mail Distribution Clerk". Now does THAT convey to you that I'm looking to get into sales? I haven't had a sales job since 1988 and THAT was working at fucking Penny's. And it's not on my resume. And I really sucked at it anyway.
Hey! I didn't know there was a town called "Altanta"!
| Interview - Altanta |
| After reviewing your resume, I believe you have demonstrated successfully many of the qualities we look for in our Sales and Sales Managers. I am conducting interviews in your area next week. Please call my assistant Saundra at 866-481-1537 to schedule an interview. Our websites are (www.combined.com) or our parent company (www.aon.com). I look forward to hearing from you! Branch Manager Combined Insurance Way to proofread, genius. Nothing says "professional" to me more than spelling the name of the city you work in incorrectly. Well done. I mean, "Wwel dunn". Next! I have reviewed your resume and I have an opening on our sales team in Atlanta that you may be interested in. Annual first year average income is between $75K and 100K+ depending on your performance. I'd like to learn more about your experience and answer any questions you may have about the position. I would like you to come in for an interview this week at our office in Atlanta. Okay. First off, I don't fucking CARE what you would like. Two, if you've reviewed my resume like you said--and considering you didn't even put my name in your email I doubt you did--you'd already, uh, KNOW about my background. Asshole. Next.... Dear Daniel......: Fucking AFLAC sends me more emails than some porn sites do. Fuck, quit sending me these. I'm not interested in sales. I do, however, think your mascot rules. And Carissa, if you're hot.....feel free to send me some pics of you without clothing. I can only get off on lesbian porn so much before it gets old. Nah, I'm just joking. Lesbian porn never gets old. Next! My name is Jesse Henry and I am a Branch Manager for The Lending Center. You are receiving this email because your resume was posted on Monster.com or careerbuilder.com and caught my eye. We are currently looking for loan officers and processors in Atlanta Georgia that are self motivated and have an interest in six figure income potential in the area. Hey, Jesse. If my resume "caught your eye", why didn't you even put my name in this email? And if your name is "Jesse", why did the email heading list the name Marc Trachtenberg? Next! If you are thinking about changing your career path, or would like to consider it, I would like to see if you qualify to be a part of our team. Can I take the survey in Spanish, even though I don't speak it? And learn how to use a fucking comma correctly. Due, to, growth, in, Atlanta, and, the,..... Next! Dear Daniel....., These piss me off more than the sales offers do. A job site spamming another job site to steal it's members takes some balls. By the way, I DID check out the site. It sucks. (originally posted 6-1-2007) |
After a trip to my doctor which included an x-ray and an EKG, and then a trip to North Fulton Regional Hospital for a full set of labs, another EKG, an IV which contained antibiotics and morphine (yes, it had become that painful) and a cat scan, it was determined that I had a nice case of.....
Pneumonia.
I'm now taking an antibiotic/steroid (Barry? Barry Bonds? Is that you?), a muscle relaxant, and pain pills. The pain pills are the exact same as my wife's.
The best parts of the day were:
****My wife taking off early from work and coming down to the emergency room. The only reason she knew where I was going was because I called her and asked where exactly the hospital was (one of those places you pass a million times but never notice).
****The morphine. I like morphine. I like it a lot. They should sell it over the counter. That would rock. I only asked for a low dosage (which didn't last nearly long enough) because I wanted to be able to drive my van home. In retrospect, I wish I had taken the full blast. We only live four miles away and could've left it there overnight.
****The injection of iodine into my shunt while they were doing my cat scan. That was very cool. Your whole body starts warming up at once. Awesome.
****The cat scan itself was pretty cool. It was like sliding in and out of a big metal doughnut.
****I can see why my wife likes the medical practice she goes to so much. Everybody there was really outgoing and friendly.
****The ER room I was in had cable. Freaking cable. That rocked. Morphine, my wife, and ESPN. It doesn't get much better than that.
I ended up at the hospital because my doctor originally thought I had Pluersy. But he didn't want to send me home without making sure my lungs were free of blood clots. He said I could wait and take it there but it would be a two hour wait. The other option was that he could burn my x-ray onto a DVD and print out all my medical info and go to North Fulton. We both thought that would be faster. We were both wrong.
Instead of just getting the cat scan, I got the whole shebang. Blood tests, urine test, IV, etc. I ended up there for about 4 hours.
Small price to pay.
(originally posted 4-15-2007)
Hi. I'm Owl. I'm strung out on a painkiller right now. I thought you should know that.
What? You wanna know why? Fine.
I popped a couple today. They were my wife's, but she can't take them. Sure, that's probably illegal, but hey, as you all know, I'm a rebel.
Last Thursday (forever known as Colin-gate) I took a nap. When I woke up, I felt a pain in my right rib cage. So I waited for the rib to heal up. I thought I had pulled a muscle. It was just a twinge. Sure enough, it soon felt better.
Then it started getting worse a couple of days ago.
Yesterday was miserable. I passed out on the couch at 11 am because I hadn't been able to sleep the night before.
When I got up, it was too late to run to the doctor. And fuck the emergency rooms. A little pain does not justify clogging up the system.
So I had no choice. I had to pop the pill. I watched "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader" while totally buzzed. I have since had two more and neither has worked like the first.
This absolutely sucks. Every breath I breath, every hic I cup, every yawn I yawn, and every cough I cough leads me into a new adventure in pain.
Luckily, my wife's doctor takes walk-ins from 8 am to 9 am.
That DOESN'T absolutely suck.
But the caveat is this: It could be so much worse. A URI is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'll drive over, he'll diagnose me, maybe stick a needle in my ass, and give me some antibiotics.
But right now, this fucking hurts. I'm not a happy camper. Just because I was too stupid to see a doctor earlier, I should be punished like this? The positive, wonderful person that I am?
The answer is "yes". This is what my ribs and lung are telling me. They are none too happy, either. Have you ever tried to reason with an angry rib?
I didn't bother trying to sleep tonight. Screw it. I'd fall asleep and not get up and end up taking 37 pills over the weekend. That would suck.
I'm pretty sure what's ailing me: I believe it's an upper respiratory infection. I should've gone and gotten some anti-biotics a few days ago. I never said I was smart.
And don't worry. I'm not strung out at all. I'm fine to drive.
And I hope each and every single one of you is really proud of yourself for not getting me my blonde hooker.
I blame this URI on all of you. Because I'm sure as fuck not going to blame myself. Not even a teeny, tiny, microscopic bit. Idiots like me always blame other people.
It's what makes us idiots, don't you know....
(originally posted 4-13-2007)
"Happy birthday, Mr. Owl."And as I reflect back on my life and all of my accomplishments (very few) and all the good I've done (none), I become quite melancholy. Actually, I don't know what melancholy means, but I think it has to do with a fear of cantaloupes.
But when I started this--I despise this word--"blog" last August, it really was done to make humanity better and to improve the world. But it eventually evolved into a whipping post of sorts for everything I dislike. I'm actually fine with this. And since you still come here, you must be as well.
But I've trashed, thrashed, libeled, insulted, made fun of, abused, spit on, and mocked so many people, I kind of feel a little sad. Like I've lost my way. Like I've made enemies. So in an effort to reach out to those I've hurt, I will list the main victims of my scorn and why I should be ashamed.
Cousin Dry Heaves--Cousin Oliver, I've called you every name in the book. Well, every name I could think of. I apologize. I really wish I could've thought of MORE names to call you, you fucking burn out.
The Stanford Tree--Stanford Tree, I apologize for emailing you and saying I wanted to throw you into a wood chipper. What I should've said was that I hope somebody soaks your bark in lighter fluid and "flicks their Bics" on you, you fucking worthless crappy ass mascot.
Start flicking your bics, people.
George Clooney--Gee, I'm sorry Mr. Magnificient. Really. I mean, I've accused you of staring at your own scrotum and of jerking of to pictures of yourself. That was out of line. I'll never do it again. Then again, I once said that I'd never utter the words "elf porn" again and I broke that, so fuck off.
George holds his Golden Asshole award.
Rosie O'Donnell--Hey bitchface. Let's see.....I called you a "no-talent" and a "hack" and other unsavory things. I'm sorry I didn't call you MORE unsavory things. I'll make up for that this year. Skank.
Oink.
Bert & Ernie--Wow, huh? The three of us have been going at it lately. I outed you and you've been making unauthorized appearances in my blog and trashing me. But hey, no hard feelings, right?
"Fuck you, jerk."
Have coke spoon, will travel.
Shaun Bon Jovi--Dude, I love your music. I'm sorry I let your secret slip out. I mean, if I had been Shaun Cassidy in the 1970's, I wouldn't want anybody knowing about it either. We cool?
Detective Mark Lounsbury--I've accused you of being a total incompetent and of trying to railroad an innocent woman, Julie Amero, into jail. I stand by this. Fuck you.
Dennis Green--After you threw your epic "You want to crown their ass? Then CROWN it" tantrum after your loss to the Bears this season, I went off on you. I said YOU were to blame for the loss and later on called you a retread. I apologize for that. I'm sure that you're well aware of the fact that you're a retread.
Mo Carthon--Hehehheehhehe.......I had fun with YOU, pal. But not nearly as much fun as you had calling the most bizarre plays in the NFL. Your playcalling was the only reason for the Browns losing to the Ravens in their first meeting last season. And now you're an assistant coach with the Arizona Cardinals. Haven't Cardinal fans suffered enough? At least you're not calling the plays there. Actually, you'll never call plays anywhere ever again.
Good fucking riddance.
MySpace--I haven't ripped on you good people--cough, cough--much since last November. But I did a pretty good job on you for awhile. I certainly hope you narcissistic assholes weren't offended by everything I said in the past. I just wanted to "show love" to you good people. Even people with the depth of a wading pool might develop real feelings one day. MIGHT.
MyScum moves into a more spacious headquarters.
Pernell Roberts--We had a deal. I'd send you thirty five bucks, and you'd guilt the readers of this blog into getting me a hot Swedish stripper. You failed. We then engaged in a brief "fuck you" contest. Well, you're a putz. That thirty five dollars was twice as much as any of your paying acting jobs. Suck on THAT, Crapper John, F.U.
Sugar Babies--I called you: sluts, hookers, tramps, whores, skanks, prostitutes, and so on. Here's a ten spot for all of you to share. It's double what you're all worth. Buy yourselves something nice. Like some penicillin shots.
Whooooooo let the herp out?
Paul Reiser--It all started when I critiqued your series, "Mad About Your Boring Show". And I just couldn't stop insulting you. Well, actually I DID stop insulting you. And I was right to stop. Anybody who could put out such quality programming as "Mad About Your Pretentious Show" AND "My Two Tools" is clearly a talented and creative person who knows everything. Schlub.
The second Stacy Keenan turned 18, I wanted to fuck her. But not until then.
Any guy who has dated Erin Moran, Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Erika Eliniak, Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Nicole Eggart and Natalie Raitano is A-O-FUCKING_KAY in my book. I apologize Scott.
Anybody who doesn't like Scott Baio sucks and is really stupid.
Scott shoots, Scott scores (and no doubt shoots again).
Ozzy Osbourne--Mumble, pass out, stumble, swear, snort more meth, pass out, wake up, stub toe against coffee table, pass out, curse, pass out....... Unlike with my boy, Scott Baio, my opinion of THIS guy hasn't changed at all.
Yeah....a real dreamboat here.
John Cusack--John, I've been alleging that you and your sister Joan are one and the same. And while I stand by that, it wasn't cool of me to let out your secret. No hard feelings, okay?
Yeah....John and Joan are two different people. Right.
Paris Hilton--Sure, I wasn't the only one who made fun of this hootchie mama. But I was pretty hard on her. Then again, that's much safer than being hard IN her.
Wow. For Paris, that must be like wearing a parka.
Ty Pennington--HI TY! I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU: THAT YOU WERE A FUCKING OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE WITH THE BIGGEST MOUTH ON THE PLANET AND THAT YOU CRIED CROCODILE TEARS AND SHIT. I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY ABOUT SAYING THAT I'D LIKE TO JAM YOUR BULLHORN UP YOUR SKINNY, WORTHLESS ASS. WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT I'D LIKE TO JAM YOUR BULLHORN DOWN YOUR THROAT AND TAKE ANOTHER ONE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR SKINNY, WORTHLESS ASS. HAVE A NICE DAY, BIGMOUTH.
Fucking douche.
Jason Giambi--Dude, I'm sorry I called you a phony and a juicer. You never failed any tests for steroid use. Of course, they weren't testing for the juice when you were amping up like a Lenny Kravitz guitar, so gee, I guess we'll never know if you were cheating or not, huh? We'll just be total retards and assume you were clean. Uh huh.
I'm also sorry that I made reference to the fact that the teammate you ripped on to Sports Illustrated, Alex Rodriguez, will be ushered into the hall of fame on a golden chariot while you watch from the peanut gallery. When that happens in fifteen years or so, it'll be painful enough for you to watch without ME bringing it up. You fucking sell-out.
Steroids: Breakfast of champions.
I'm glad I could take this opportunity to set the record straight with all of my new friends. Especially Scott. I look forward to being even MORE positive in the coming year. So when my 45th birthday comes along, I won't have to take an hour composing a blog entry devoted to apologizing all of the people I've wronged.
Like that warthog, Rosie O'Donnell. And the egotistical prick, George Clooney. And Paul "I Star in Shitty Shows And Write Shitty Books" Reiser. And that sanctimonious twit, Pernell Roberts. And.....Paris "Crabs" Hilton.
Yes, I look forward to a nicer, more positive 360 page. A place where a loser like Cousin Show Destroyer can come and hang out and feel good. A place where Paula can come while drooling on her bib.
Yes. That is my goal. I want to be a better person. I really do.
Then again, I want to have sex with: Gina Glockson, Haley Scarnato, Lulu, Jessica Alba, jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Von Oy, Kyra Sedgewick, Olivia Newton-John and 90's porno star, P.J. Sparxx.
And I don't really don't see that happening either.
(originally posted 3-27-2007)
Man....about time.....Santa Owl is just overwhelmed this time of year, what with all of the subcontracting from Santa. So let's get this party started!
MySpacers
CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(originally posted 12-21-2006)
I found this at an adult site I cruise to on occasion. Of course, being the jerk that I am, I'll comment on it along the way.
"Phone sex basically amounts to masturbation while talking to someone on the phone."
Really? I thought it was auto repair. No wonder my oil wasn't changed afterward!
"This is a fairly ‘safe’ style of alternative sexual contact, as there is no physical risk at all, except for what you do to yourself."
Safe if you don't place the phone in an unsafe area of your body. Why is "safe" in quotes?
"Some people find phone sex easier than actual sex because of the fantasy element. They can imagine the erotic details themselves and set up the perfect sexual fantasy. No matter what the reason, there is much you can do when your partner is unseen."
Yeah, and you don't even need a paper bag to put on your partner's head or rent a room at Motel 6. They'll leave a light on for you though, if you do choose that route. Just bring your own sheets.
"What you can do when you’re having phone sex is limited only to your imagination. Most people appear to feel that the more creative you get, the better the sex. You could be in any room, doing anything. If you have a cordless hands-free phone, your options multiply. One word of caution – avoid the bathtub. We all know electricity and water don’t mix. As with any form of sex, as long as nobody gets hurt and everything is agreed to, anything goes."
Water and electricity don't mix? Next he'll be telling us oil and water don't mix. Hands free handset? I wish I were big enough to require two free hands. Alas, I am not. Not a bad idea, though.
"Phone sex ads are set up most of the time, it’s interesting to find that many women enjoy good phone sex as well. Men usually get off on hearing the sounds of pleasure coming from a woman and a woman likes the psychological element of the fantasy, but everyone is different."
Men enjoy hearing a woman. Seeing a woman. TYPING to a woman. Sorry, we're not overly picky about it. We don't care. If a woman's involved, we don't care too much about how we interact with them. Why does he find it interesting that women enjoy phone sex? Why wouldn't they?
"What's the best way to bring it up?"
I prefer "I can't wait to hear you scream my name into my ear, so slip your hubby a tranquilizer, grab your cell, drop your pants, and give me a hollah." By the way, this has never actually worked.
"Wait until the subject of sex is already on the table and then casually mention it."
Now he's talking! Sex on tables! Oh...never mind.
"The person you've met on ........ is already looking for sex, so expect good results if you aren't pushy. Phone sex makes a great early experiment for couples looking into new ideas."
So do orgies. How do you casually bring up phone sex? Every single lady I'e tried to bring it up to sees my motives immediately. Then again, saying "call me up and let's have a cumtoberfest." isn't exactly casual.
"How do you start?"
WHAT?????????
"You need to break the ice once you've said hello."
Sex on the rocks...ain't no surprise....just tell me I'm huge...and then tell me more lies....
"You might start by slowly describing what you like to do to your partner. Some people use humor or a sexy joke to get things rolling. Just think of how you can make a gentle sexy comment to test the waters and let things go from there."
"I want to slobber all over your pussy" probably wouldn't be considered "gentle".
"All this talk about phone sex should mention paid phone sex lines. Paid phone sex can be highly erotic. That's why they are so popular."
No, they're popular because it's guaranteed success. It's a business.
"The difference between these partners and a real partner is thatyou don't have to break the ice. That's what you're paying for. You say hello and they are ready to go. If you want to practice your skills, this might be an option for people wanting to get the flavor of phone sex to determine if it's your kind of thing and is enjoyable to you."
Phone sex with someone who is paid to hear you and talk dirty with you doesn't strike me as erotic at all. It strikes me as pathetic. I'd much rather have it with a woman I've spent a little time getting to know and like. I'd rather the person I'm talking with collect an orgasm rather than collect a commission. And did he really say "the flavor of phone sex?" What the fuck?
"The downside is the cost. Paid phone sex is expensive. There are also some unsavory characters in the smaller services. If you choose to try this, go with one of the bigger, more established companies in order to get the most for your money."
I'll have to google "established phone sex companies".
"Overall, phone sex can be a great addition to your sexual repertoire, with lots of positives and very few negatives compared to some other types of alternative sex. If you haven’t done so already, give it a try!"
Best line of the article. And once you've given it a try, do it again. And again. Like the old saying goes.....vote early and vote often.
(Originally posted 9-12-2006)
1. Always use a sledge hammer when a regular hammer will do.
2. The best comeback to any insult is "fuck you", provided you wait no longer than 4 seconds to say it. And yes, I have a list of "missed opportunities" on THAT.
3. Burn the evidence. If it doesn't burn, bury it in the backyard of somebody you hate. Then tip the cops off from a pay phone.
4. All food is healthy. Otherwise, it wouldn't be food.
5. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. And follow it up with 2 pots of coffee and five Snickers bars (see rule #4).
6. If you're crazy enough to have cats, secure your curtains.
7. The best way to avoid having your identity stolen is to keep a horrible credit rating.
8. The surest way to know that somebody's pulling your chain on-line is if they say "I want to chat with you for a long time. You mean a lot to me."
9. MySpace: Narcissism and free porn!
10. A lie told on-line is still a lie. As opposed to an off-line lie, which is a golf cart.
(Originally posted 9-9-2006)
That's right. I have random thoughts. In fact, they're pretty much the ONLY thing I have.
********** I need to start off with an inside joke to my buddy in Ohio. Hey buddy, JaMarcus Russell SUCKS! He couldn't carry Brady Quinn's jock!
Hehhehehehehe.
********** The Browns are literally scrapping for anybody to come fill out their coaching staff for the 2007 season. Nobody wants to come due to the fact that Crennel is a lame duck coach. Things don't bode well for us. Should be another fucked season. This shit is starting to get old. If Savage drafts Russell, I'm gonna barf. Actually, after the first preseason game I'll be puking anyway, so maybe it's best that I get a head start.
********* Thank you USC , Lakers, Mighty Ducks and Dodgers.....
********** I should start up a MySpace page. I'll call myself "I Fucking Rule". When in Rome.....
********** I can't wait to see the Colts win the Super Bowl. Tony Dungy is a class act. Then again, so is the Bears' coach, Lovie Smith.
********** The power company here blows. We've had four outages since last June, and I heard on the radio we might lose power again after midnight tonight. Fuck you, utility monopolies.
********** Fucking Excel. It's like learning Mandarin Chinese. Fuck you, Microsoft.
********** The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I'm right about everything. Right Nat?
********** I make this vow: I will NEVER refer to an actress as an "actor". This is moronic. Another fashionable, politically correct thing the hip, thought-fascists in the entertainment industry are shoving down our throats. Fuck you, Hollywood.
********** I went to the store today and was behind an Element with a bumper sticker that said "Educator" on it. Oh, then we'll all just part like the red sea for you. I don't fucking care if you're an "educator". Should I get one that says "Temporary Worker?" Maybe my wife can get one that says "Senior Business Analyst". What, you want me to walk up to you and thank you or something? Hey, maybe I'll just detail your car while you're shopping if you'd bestow such a great honor unto someone as humble as me.
Don't get me wrong. I come from a family where all of my relatives are either in the airline industry or in education. Of course, I often refer to most of my relatives in pretty unflattering terms, but not because they're teachers.
It might surprise you to hear this, but quite a few of my relatives absolutely cannot stand me. I wear THAT as a badge of honor. Fuck you, relatives that I do not like. Blood is thicker than water, my ass. I can't wait for one of them to be stupid enough to invite me to a family reunion. My RSVP: "Fuck off, kiss my ass, I hate you. But thank you for the invitation. I had to clean the cat box, you horrible ass-clown."
Actually, if were to go to one, I could show up and expound on how phone sex is basically masturbation while talking to someone on the phone. That could be fun. Of course, this would probably make things rather uncomfortable for my parents, so maybe I'm better off just declining.
********** I hate George Clooney? Wherever did you get the idea that I hate that bombastic scrotum scratcher? Seriously, if a guy wants to jack off to pictures of himself, hey, have at it.
********** I like the way Neil Patrick Harris came out. It was a casual statement to an interviewer. He didn't need a ton of publicity like some others (see O'Donnel, Rosie, Wretched Human) or a magazine cover or anything. I've always liked this guy, so good for him. This is a huge lesson: if you don't want somebody to make a big deal out of something, don't make a big deal out of it yourself.
********** Speaking of the train wreck that is Rosie, she recently referred to Kelly Ripa as "homophobic". Can we please get this right? "Homophobic" literally means "a fear of homosexuals". A phobia is a FEAR. Just because Kelly doesn't get along with Clay Aiken (who has denied he's gay to begin with) doesn't make her afraid of him.
I know it's asking a lot of ignorant assholes like O'Donnell to not throw out half-baked catch phrases without knowing what they actually mean, but come on. What, the Bert and Ernie joke makes ME homophobic now? It might make me insensitive to homosexual puppet interest groups, but not homophobic. Anyway, why is this horrible woman famous? What talent does she actually have, other than being an idiotic loudmouth? Fuck this loudmouth.
********** The OSU homers are out and about like a veneral disease. Since Troy Smith's stock has fallen--and it was too high to begin with--they're all hoping beyond hope the Browns will snag WR Ted Ginn. Yeah, by all means. Then you fuckheads will cry that we didn't select enough linemen. Ginn is a mid first round pick at best. He's the third best WR in the draft. I'm not hating on OSU, but get real here. I hate that "hometown hero" crock of shit I have to hear every year. I wish I had just started rooting for the Chargers in 1999. As for Troy Smith, I'd take Brady Quinn over him in a heartbeat. I'd take Kevin Kolb of the University of Houston over Smith in a heartbeat.
********** The NFL draft isn't about who had the best college career. It's about what players will translate into the best professional players. Jay Cutler didn't win shit in college, but Denver took him due to his protential (personally, I don't see anything all that special in him, but whatever).
********** My wife gave blood at work recently and was rewarded with a long sleeve t-shirt. She gave it to me, because she doesn't wear them. This was cool. It fits perfectly and is a nice olive color. Except that it has this crappy Red Cross emblem on the left side of the chest area. Right. I'm going to go out in public and be a walking advertisement. Trust me, this emblem is horrible. This big ass red and white blotch on an olive shirt. It would look better if I wore the fucking thing inside-out. I'm trying to figure out to get this fucking thing off without using sandpaper and washing the shirt a couple of thousand times. If anybody has an idea of how to do this, please let me know.
Personally, I've always felt a nice reward for giving blood would be cocaine, a vibrator or a bottle of whiskey. I mean the orange juice and stale cookies are nice, but seriously, you're a little weak after giving blood. Snort a line of coke, and hey, you're back to normal. Or you could come home and have some fun with your significant other. And if you hate your significant other, you could just drink the fucking whiskey.
(originally posted 01-31-07)
My boy Barry and I rule.Over two hundred views? Very cool. I appreciate everybody who reads this. Actually I should say my ego appreciates it. Potaytow/Potahtoe. Anyway, I feel that two hundred views should be celebrated. Yes, celebrated. With the gift of song. Of course, who better to rip off than my boy, Barry "Greatest Singer EVER In The History Of The Universe" Manilow?
I've been alive since 63....and I wrote the two zillionth blog....
I put rambings and my so called "thoughts" together....
I am blogging, and I write the blogs.
I write the blogs that make the whole world scream....
I write the blogs that make fun of stupid things (like meeeeeee)....
I write the blogs that make the scam artists cry....
I write the blogs, I write the blogs.
This blog lies deep within you.....
and I've got my very own place on your buddies page.
Now when I look out through your eyes,
I'm embarrassed, and understand your ragggggggggge.
I write the blogs about sugar babies who lie......
I write the blogs that makes fun of stuuuuuuu-pid meeeeeeee....
I write the blogs that make the scam artists cry....
I write the blogs, I write the blogs.
Oh my bloggging makes you laugh,
even when I'm talking to bots about my shaft.
And I even bot whisper so youuuuuu can grrrroooooooove....
Blogging fills your heart,
and that's a kick-ass place to start.
It's from me, it's for you,
It's from you, it's for me,
It's a worldwide blog-gery.......
I write the blogs that makes the MySpace world scream....
I write the blogs that make fun of lemur thinnnnnnnnngs....
I write the blogs that make the Stanford Tree cry....
I write the blogs, I write the blogs.
I am blogging, and I write the blooogggggggggggggggggggggggggggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barry Manilow RULES!
(originally posted 10-31-06)
I wish Bernadette would pick ME up."I'm the type of person (fill in blank)". Translation: "I'm the type of person who likes to constantly describe myself, although most of the time I'm not accurate. Or interesting."
"I am outspoken and speak my mind." Translation: "I'm an annoying loudmouth who doesn't know what redundant means."
"I'm just so busy!" Translation: "I'm no busier than everybody else in this hectic world, but I just like to make myself sound important than I really am."
"I want a sugar daddy." Translation: "I'm all about fucks and bucks."
"I love to blog!" Translation: "Somebody should shoot me for using 'blog' as a verb."
"Do you have a profile?" Translation: "Yes, I really AM that stupid and lazy."
"I'm very erotic." Translation: "I'm a horndog." (This is a wonderful thing, of course.)
"My wife doesn't understand me." Translation: "My wife understands me perfectly, unfortunately."
"I've never done steroids." Translation: "Of course I did steroids, but good luck actually proving it, suckers."
"My name on that site is 'oralogist', get it?" Translation: "Don't expect anything deeper than 'let's fuck' from me. In fact, if I'm even THAT subtle, consider yourself lucky."
"Phone sex basically amounts to masturbation while talking to someone on the phone." Translation: "I'm stupid, and I think you are too."
(originally posted on 10/05/2006)
The AFLAC Duck rules.One AOL shithead a/s/l'd me in a chatroom. When I told him to look at my profile, he said "I don't do profiles". I said, "Sorry, I don't answer to lazy people." I don't think he got it. I wasn't surprised.
Oh, and don't give me "people lie on profiles". What, they DON'T lie if they answer "a/s/l"? How do you people function in the real fucking world?
Then there's the "send invite" (to view cam) that comes from somebody out of the blue. Fuck you, I don't take orders. Especially from someone who hasn't filled out a profile. Ever hear of the word "please", you fucktards? Not that that would change my mind, but try using manners for a change.
The assholes in the Yahoo rooms who have that program that notifies the whole room when they ignore a bot. I guess it makes them feel cool, but in the end, it's more annoying than a bot ever could be. Example: "Honeylips556454, welcome to my iggy bin. Enjoy the blackhole with the 2,565 users in there now, you fucking scumbag asshole." Now imagine having to see that 8 times in a row. I wish these idiots would jump into their own "iggy bin".
No, I DON'T want to hear your political opinions. If I did, I'd be in a current events or political chat room. Not only do I not want to hear them, nobody else does either. Try showing something called "restraint". This is the type of person who not only expects everyone to agree with them, but is deeply offended when somebody doesn't.
Canadians who hate on the U.S. need not even PM me. You won't like my response. Sorry, but I've talked to way too many who think it's fine to rip the United States and expect me to just sit there and take it. Get back to me when YOUR country is perfect, okay? Until then, go fuck yourselves. To the nice Canadians: please don't take offense; this isn't directed towards you. And shame on any American who goes Canada bashing as well.
"NASCAR": See "redneck".
Men's names that contain: dick, cock, pussy licker, long tongue, etc. What, you guys 10 years old or something? Grow the fuck up.
Women's names: "angel", "princess", and other teenybopper themed names. You're 38. If you were going to be a fucking princess, it probably would've happened by now, okay? Sorry to burst your bubble there.
While we're on names....how about people actually filling out their profiles? I know it's a whole five minutes and all, but it'd be a nice gesture.
The buzzer. Aside from "asl", there's nothing as annoying as a stranger PM'ing you and then buzzing you. I don't mind friends doing it, but when strangers do it, it makes me want to reach out through cyberspace and pour a gallon of cyanide-laced anti-freeze down their miserable throats.
Don't even ask for money. You ain't getting it. Oh, I'll TELL you I'll send you money, because quite frankly, you deserve to be screwed around with for even asking. But you ain't getting it. And even if I wanted to send money, I'm a fucking temp worker, not a lawyer for crying out loud. My extra money goes to things that amuse my simple mind, like crayons, magic markers, Hot Wheels, Slinkies, and rubber duckies.
(originally posted on 10/3/2006)