Other New Standard Lunacy

That's right. I have random thoughts. In fact, they're pretty much the ONLY thing I have.

********** I need to start off with an inside joke to my buddy in Ohio. Hey buddy, JaMarcus Russell SUCKS! He couldn't carry Brady Quinn's jock!

Hehhehehehehe.

********** The Browns are literally scrapping for anybody to come fill out their coaching staff for the 2007 season. Nobody wants to come due to the fact that Crennel is a lame duck coach. Things don't bode well for us. Should be another fucked season. This shit is starting to get old. If Savage drafts Russell, I'm gonna barf. Actually, after the first preseason game I'll be puking anyway, so maybe it's best that I get a head start.

********* Thank you USC , Lakers, Mighty Ducks and Dodgers.....

********** I should start up a MySpace page. I'll call myself "I Fucking Rule". When in Rome.....

********** I can't wait to see the Colts win the Super Bowl. Tony Dungy is a class act. Then again, so is the Bears' coach, Lovie Smith.

********** The power company here blows. We've had four outages since last June, and I heard on the radio we might lose power again after midnight tonight. Fuck you, utility monopolies.

********** Fucking Excel. It's like learning Mandarin Chinese. Fuck you, Microsoft.

********** The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I'm right about everything. Right Nat?

********** I make this vow: I will NEVER refer to an actress as an "actor". This is moronic. Another fashionable, politically correct thing the hip, thought-fascists in the entertainment industry are shoving down our throats. Fuck you, Hollywood.

********** I went to the store today and was behind an Element with a bumper sticker that said "Educator" on it. Oh, then we'll all just part like the red sea for you. I don't fucking care if you're an "educator". Should I get one that says "Temporary Worker?" Maybe my wife can get one that says "Senior Business Analyst". What, you want me to walk up to you and thank you or something? Hey, maybe I'll just detail your car while you're shopping if you'd bestow such a great honor unto someone as humble as me.

Don't get me wrong. I come from a family where all of my relatives are either in the airline industry or in education. Of course, I often refer to most of my relatives in pretty unflattering terms, but not because they're teachers.

It might surprise you to hear this, but quite a few of my relatives absolutely cannot stand me. I wear THAT as a badge of honor. Fuck you, relatives that I do not like. Blood is thicker than water, my ass. I can't wait for one of them to be stupid enough to invite me to a family reunion. My RSVP: "Fuck off, kiss my ass, I hate you. But thank you for the invitation. I had to clean the cat box, you horrible ass-clown."

Actually, if were to go to one, I could show up and expound on how phone sex is basically masturbation while talking to someone on the phone. That could be fun. Of course, this would probably make things rather uncomfortable for my parents, so maybe I'm better off just declining.

********** I hate George Clooney? Wherever did you get the idea that I hate that bombastic scrotum scratcher? Seriously, if a guy wants to jack off to pictures of himself, hey, have at it.

********** I like the way Neil Patrick Harris came out. It was a casual statement to an interviewer. He didn't need a ton of publicity like some others (see O'Donnel, Rosie, Wretched Human) or a magazine cover or anything. I've always liked this guy, so good for him. This is a huge lesson: if you don't want somebody to make a big deal out of something, don't make a big deal out of it yourself.

********** Speaking of the train wreck that is Rosie, she recently referred to Kelly Ripa as "homophobic". Can we please get this right? "Homophobic" literally means "a fear of homosexuals". A phobia is a FEAR. Just because Kelly doesn't get along with Clay Aiken (who has denied he's gay to begin with) doesn't make her afraid of him.

I know it's asking a lot of ignorant assholes like O'Donnell to not throw out half-baked catch phrases without knowing what they actually mean, but come on. What, the Bert and Ernie joke makes ME homophobic now? It might make me insensitive to homosexual puppet interest groups, but not homophobic. Anyway, why is this horrible woman famous? What talent does she actually have, other than being an idiotic loudmouth? Fuck this loudmouth.

********** The OSU homers are out and about like a veneral disease. Since Troy Smith's stock has fallen--and it was too high to begin with--they're all hoping beyond hope the Browns will snag WR Ted Ginn. Yeah, by all means. Then you fuckheads will cry that we didn't select enough linemen. Ginn is a mid first round pick at best. He's the third best WR in the draft. I'm not hating on OSU, but get real here. I hate that "hometown hero" crock of shit I have to hear every year. I wish I had just started rooting for the Chargers in 1999. As for Troy Smith, I'd take Brady Quinn over him in a heartbeat. I'd take Kevin Kolb of the University of Houston over Smith in a heartbeat.

********** The NFL draft isn't about who had the best college career. It's about what players will translate into the best professional players. Jay Cutler didn't win shit in college, but Denver took him due to his protential (personally, I don't see anything all that special in him, but whatever).

********** My wife gave blood at work recently and was rewarded with a long sleeve t-shirt. She gave it to me, because she doesn't wear them. This was cool. It fits perfectly and is a nice olive color. Except that it has this crappy Red Cross emblem on the left side of the chest area. Right. I'm going to go out in public and be a walking advertisement. Trust me, this emblem is horrible. This big ass red and white blotch on an olive shirt. It would look better if I wore the fucking thing inside-out. I'm trying to figure out to get this fucking thing off without using sandpaper and washing the shirt a couple of thousand times. If anybody has an idea of how to do this, please let me know.

Personally, I've always felt a nice reward for giving blood would be cocaine, a vibrator or a bottle of whiskey. I mean the orange juice and stale cookies are nice, but seriously, you're a little weak after giving blood. Snort a line of coke, and hey, you're back to normal. Or you could come home and have some fun with your significant other. And if you hate your significant other, you could just drink the fucking whiskey.

(originally posted 01-31-07)