That's right. I have random thoughts. In fact, they're pretty much the ONLY thing I have.
********** I need to start off with an inside joke to my buddy in Ohio. Hey buddy, JaMarcus Russell SUCKS! He couldn't carry Brady Quinn's jock!
Hehhehehehehe.
********** The Browns are literally scrapping for anybody to come fill out their coaching staff for the 2007 season. Nobody wants to come due to the fact that Crennel is a lame duck coach. Things don't bode well for us. Should be another fucked season. This shit is starting to get old. If Savage drafts Russell, I'm gonna barf. Actually, after the first preseason game I'll be puking anyway, so maybe it's best that I get a head start.
********* Thank you USC , Lakers, Mighty Ducks and Dodgers.....
********** I should start up a MySpace page. I'll call myself "I Fucking Rule". When in Rome.....
********** I can't wait to see the Colts win the Super Bowl. Tony Dungy is a class act. Then again, so is the Bears' coach, Lovie Smith.
********** The power company here blows. We've had four outages since last June, and I heard on the radio we might lose power again after midnight tonight. Fuck you, utility monopolies.
********** Fucking Excel. It's like learning Mandarin Chinese. Fuck you, Microsoft.
********** The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I'm right about everything. Right Nat?
********** I make this vow: I will NEVER refer to an actress as an "actor". This is moronic. Another fashionable, politically correct thing the hip, thought-fascists in the entertainment industry are shoving down our throats. Fuck you, Hollywood.
********** I went to the store today and was behind an Element with a bumper sticker that said "Educator" on it. Oh, then we'll all just part like the red sea for you. I don't fucking care if you're an "educator". Should I get one that says "Temporary Worker?" Maybe my wife can get one that says "Senior Business Analyst". What, you want me to walk up to you and thank you or something? Hey, maybe I'll just detail your car while you're shopping if you'd bestow such a great honor unto someone as humble as me.
Don't get me wrong. I come from a family where all of my relatives are either in the airline industry or in education. Of course, I often refer to most of my relatives in pretty unflattering terms, but not because they're teachers.
It might surprise you to hear this, but quite a few of my relatives absolutely cannot stand me. I wear THAT as a badge of honor. Fuck you, relatives that I do not like. Blood is thicker than water, my ass. I can't wait for one of them to be stupid enough to invite me to a family reunion. My RSVP: "Fuck off, kiss my ass, I hate you. But thank you for the invitation. I had to clean the cat box, you horrible ass-clown."
Actually, if were to go to one, I could show up and expound on how phone sex is basically masturbation while talking to someone on the phone. That could be fun. Of course, this would probably make things rather uncomfortable for my parents, so maybe I'm better off just declining.
********** I hate George Clooney? Wherever did you get the idea that I hate that bombastic scrotum scratcher? Seriously, if a guy wants to jack off to pictures of himself, hey, have at it.
********** I like the way Neil Patrick Harris came out. It was a casual statement to an interviewer. He didn't need a ton of publicity like some others (see O'Donnel, Rosie, Wretched Human) or a magazine cover or anything. I've always liked this guy, so good for him. This is a huge lesson: if you don't want somebody to make a big deal out of something, don't make a big deal out of it yourself.
********** Speaking of the train wreck that is Rosie, she recently referred to Kelly Ripa as "homophobic". Can we please get this right? "Homophobic" literally means "a fear of homosexuals". A phobia is a FEAR. Just because Kelly doesn't get along with Clay Aiken (who has denied he's gay to begin with) doesn't make her afraid of him.
I know it's asking a lot of ignorant assholes like O'Donnell to not throw out half-baked catch phrases without knowing what they actually mean, but come on. What, the Bert and Ernie joke makes ME homophobic now? It might make me insensitive to homosexual puppet interest groups, but not homophobic. Anyway, why is this horrible woman famous? What talent does she actually have, other than being an idiotic loudmouth? Fuck this loudmouth.
********** The OSU homers are out and about like a veneral disease. Since Troy Smith's stock has fallen--and it was too high to begin with--they're all hoping beyond hope the Browns will snag WR Ted Ginn. Yeah, by all means. Then you fuckheads will cry that we didn't select enough linemen. Ginn is a mid first round pick at best. He's the third best WR in the draft. I'm not hating on OSU, but get real here. I hate that "hometown hero" crock of shit I have to hear every year. I wish I had just started rooting for the Chargers in 1999. As for Troy Smith, I'd take Brady Quinn over him in a heartbeat. I'd take Kevin Kolb of the University of Houston over Smith in a heartbeat.
********** The NFL draft isn't about who had the best college career. It's about what players will translate into the best professional players. Jay Cutler didn't win shit in college, but Denver took him due to his protential (personally, I don't see anything all that special in him, but whatever).
********** My wife gave blood at work recently and was rewarded with a long sleeve t-shirt. She gave it to me, because she doesn't wear them. This was cool. It fits perfectly and is a nice olive color. Except that it has this crappy Red Cross emblem on the left side of the chest area. Right. I'm going to go out in public and be a walking advertisement. Trust me, this emblem is horrible. This big ass red and white blotch on an olive shirt. It would look better if I wore the fucking thing inside-out. I'm trying to figure out to get this fucking thing off without using sandpaper and washing the shirt a couple of thousand times. If anybody has an idea of how to do this, please let me know.
Personally, I've always felt a nice reward for giving blood would be cocaine, a vibrator or a bottle of whiskey. I mean the orange juice and stale cookies are nice, but seriously, you're a little weak after giving blood. Snort a line of coke, and hey, you're back to normal. Or you could come home and have some fun with your significant other. And if you hate your significant other, you could just drink the fucking whiskey.
(originally posted 01-31-07)
My boy Barry and I rule.Over two hundred views? Very cool. I appreciate everybody who reads this. Actually I should say my ego appreciates it. Potaytow/Potahtoe. Anyway, I feel that two hundred views should be celebrated. Yes, celebrated. With the gift of song. Of course, who better to rip off than my boy, Barry "Greatest Singer EVER In The History Of The Universe" Manilow?
I've been alive since 63....and I wrote the two zillionth blog....
I put rambings and my so called "thoughts" together....
I am blogging, and I write the blogs.
I write the blogs that make the whole world scream....
I write the blogs that make fun of stupid things (like meeeeeee)....
I write the blogs that make the scam artists cry....
I write the blogs, I write the blogs.
This blog lies deep within you.....
and I've got my very own place on your buddies page.
Now when I look out through your eyes,
I'm embarrassed, and understand your ragggggggggge.
I write the blogs about sugar babies who lie......
I write the blogs that makes fun of stuuuuuuu-pid meeeeeeee....
I write the blogs that make the scam artists cry....
I write the blogs, I write the blogs.
Oh my bloggging makes you laugh,
even when I'm talking to bots about my shaft.
And I even bot whisper so youuuuuu can grrrroooooooove....
Blogging fills your heart,
and that's a kick-ass place to start.
It's from me, it's for you,
It's from you, it's for me,
It's a worldwide blog-gery.......
I write the blogs that makes the MySpace world scream....
I write the blogs that make fun of lemur thinnnnnnnnngs....
I write the blogs that make the Stanford Tree cry....
I write the blogs, I write the blogs.
I am blogging, and I write the blooogggggggggggggggggggggggggggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barry Manilow RULES!
(originally posted 10-31-06)
I wish Bernadette would pick ME up."I'm the type of person (fill in blank)". Translation: "I'm the type of person who likes to constantly describe myself, although most of the time I'm not accurate. Or interesting."
"I am outspoken and speak my mind." Translation: "I'm an annoying loudmouth who doesn't know what redundant means."
"I'm just so busy!" Translation: "I'm no busier than everybody else in this hectic world, but I just like to make myself sound important than I really am."
"I want a sugar daddy." Translation: "I'm all about fucks and bucks."
"I love to blog!" Translation: "Somebody should shoot me for using 'blog' as a verb."
"Do you have a profile?" Translation: "Yes, I really AM that stupid and lazy."
"I'm very erotic." Translation: "I'm a horndog." (This is a wonderful thing, of course.)
"My wife doesn't understand me." Translation: "My wife understands me perfectly, unfortunately."
"I've never done steroids." Translation: "Of course I did steroids, but good luck actually proving it, suckers."
"My name on that site is 'oralogist', get it?" Translation: "Don't expect anything deeper than 'let's fuck' from me. In fact, if I'm even THAT subtle, consider yourself lucky."
"Phone sex basically amounts to masturbation while talking to someone on the phone." Translation: "I'm stupid, and I think you are too."
(originally posted on 10/05/2006)
The AFLAC Duck rules.One AOL shithead a/s/l'd me in a chatroom. When I told him to look at my profile, he said "I don't do profiles". I said, "Sorry, I don't answer to lazy people." I don't think he got it. I wasn't surprised.
Oh, and don't give me "people lie on profiles". What, they DON'T lie if they answer "a/s/l"? How do you people function in the real fucking world?
Then there's the "send invite" (to view cam) that comes from somebody out of the blue. Fuck you, I don't take orders. Especially from someone who hasn't filled out a profile. Ever hear of the word "please", you fucktards? Not that that would change my mind, but try using manners for a change.
The assholes in the Yahoo rooms who have that program that notifies the whole room when they ignore a bot. I guess it makes them feel cool, but in the end, it's more annoying than a bot ever could be. Example: "Honeylips556454, welcome to my iggy bin. Enjoy the blackhole with the 2,565 users in there now, you fucking scumbag asshole." Now imagine having to see that 8 times in a row. I wish these idiots would jump into their own "iggy bin".
No, I DON'T want to hear your political opinions. If I did, I'd be in a current events or political chat room. Not only do I not want to hear them, nobody else does either. Try showing something called "restraint". This is the type of person who not only expects everyone to agree with them, but is deeply offended when somebody doesn't.
Canadians who hate on the U.S. need not even PM me. You won't like my response. Sorry, but I've talked to way too many who think it's fine to rip the United States and expect me to just sit there and take it. Get back to me when YOUR country is perfect, okay? Until then, go fuck yourselves. To the nice Canadians: please don't take offense; this isn't directed towards you. And shame on any American who goes Canada bashing as well.
"NASCAR": See "redneck".
Men's names that contain: dick, cock, pussy licker, long tongue, etc. What, you guys 10 years old or something? Grow the fuck up.
Women's names: "angel", "princess", and other teenybopper themed names. You're 38. If you were going to be a fucking princess, it probably would've happened by now, okay? Sorry to burst your bubble there.
While we're on names....how about people actually filling out their profiles? I know it's a whole five minutes and all, but it'd be a nice gesture.
The buzzer. Aside from "asl", there's nothing as annoying as a stranger PM'ing you and then buzzing you. I don't mind friends doing it, but when strangers do it, it makes me want to reach out through cyberspace and pour a gallon of cyanide-laced anti-freeze down their miserable throats.
Don't even ask for money. You ain't getting it. Oh, I'll TELL you I'll send you money, because quite frankly, you deserve to be screwed around with for even asking. But you ain't getting it. And even if I wanted to send money, I'm a fucking temp worker, not a lawyer for crying out loud. My extra money goes to things that amuse my simple mind, like crayons, magic markers, Hot Wheels, Slinkies, and rubber duckies.
(originally posted on 10/3/2006)
Hands off. She's mine. Find someone else to stalk."I'd like the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fucking Fruity breakfast, please." (I tried to do an image search for this, and of course.....a Myspace profile pic came up. The internet is fucking with me again. Screw you cyberspace. Information superhighway, my ass.)
"No way is Ty Pennington annoying or obnoxious."
"Get lost, Jessica." (Yeah.....another excuse....just wanted to show Jessica some love.)
"Boy, those American Idol judges make the show worth watching!"
(originally posted on 9/29/2006)
My buddy's ex-wife.
To the woman from Europe who honestly thought I'd leave my wife at all, let alone after a thirty minute chat with her.....Think about it.
To anyone who thinks I'll send them money....Think about it.
To the idiots who can't park a truck correctly at gunpoint yet can't understand why people leave empty cups into their truckbed....Think about it. (I've never done this, but love it when people do it to those who deserve it.)
To the assholes who blast their music at full volume and wonder why their neighbors call the police....Think about it.
To the scammers who think people will really let you have access to their bank accounts because your "overseas company" can't process these funds....Think about it.
To anyone stupid enough to believe you can get paid a huge salary just for deposting checks into your checking accout....Think about it.To people who are so lazy they ask "a/s/l" without bothering to look at your profile and then wonder why you're so pissed off....Think about it.
To on-line men who IM me and say "is your wife hot?", "what is she wearing?" etc..., and wonder why I say "go fuck yourself"....Think about it.
To on-line men who IM and want to talk about how hot junior high school girls are.....Think about it (and go fuck yourselves while you're at it, scumwads).
To those who park in handicapped spaces illegally....Think about it (and enjoy your richly deserved tickets).
To on-line men who have sexually suggestive nicknames like "BigKok4U" and wonder why women want nothing to with them....Think about it.
To my buddy's ex, who insulted me, my wife, her then-husband, all of his friends, "loaned" out money to her friends without him knowing, and can't understand why I'd sooner eat glass than pull her from an alligator's jaws..... fucking THINK about it, you miserable, horrible, creep.
To Browns fans who criticized former coach Butch Davis for drafting so many SEC players, yet want to spend the Browns' first round pick on Ohio State players every year....Think about it (and no, we're NOT drafting Ted Guinn in 2007....we already HAVE enough wide receivers for crying out loud, you homers.)
(originally posted 9-27-2006)
All phone sex operators look like this, don't they? No?
I found this at an adult site I cruise to on occasion. Of course, being the jerk that I am, I'll comment on it along the way.
"Phone sex basically amounts to masturbation while talking to someone on the phone."
Really? I thought it was auto repair. No wonder my oil wasn't changed afterward!
"This is a fairly ‘safe’ style of alternative sexual contact, as there is no physical risk at all, except for what you do to yourself."
Safe if you don't place the phone in an unsafe area of your body.
"Some people find phone sex easier than actual sex because of the fantasy element. They can imagine the erotic details themselves and set up the perfect sexual fantasy. No matter what the reason, there is much you can do when your partner is unseen."
Yeah, and you don't even need a paper bag to put on your partner's head or rent a room at Motel 6. They'll leave a light on for you though, if you do choose that route. Just bring your own sheets.
"What you can do when you’re having phone sex is limited only to your imagination. Most people appear to feel that the more creative you get, the better the sex. You could be in any room, doing anything. If you have a cordless hands-free phone, your options multiply. One word of caution – avoid the bathtub. We all know electricity and water don’t mix. As with any form of sex, as long as nobody gets hurt and everything is agreed to, anything goes."
Water and electricity don't mix? Next he'll be telling us oil and water don't mix. Hands free handset? I wish I were big enough to require two free hands. Alas, I am not. Not a bad idea, though.
"Phone sex ads are set up most of the time, it’s interesting to find that many women enjoy good phone sex as well. Men usually get off on hearing the sounds of pleasure coming from a woman and a woman likes the psychological element of the fantasy, but everyone is different."
Men enjoy hearing a woman. Seeing a woman. TYPING to a woman. Sorry, we're not overly picky about it. We don't care. If a woman's involved, we don't care too much about how we interact with them. Why does he find it interesting that women enjoy phone sex? Why wouldn't they?
"What's the best way to bring it up?"
I prefer "I can't wait to hear you scream my name into my ear, so slip your hubby a tranquilizer, grab your cell, drop your pants, and give me a hollah." By the way, this has never actually worked.
"Wait until the subject of sex is already on the table and then casually mention it."
Now he's talking! Sex on tables! Oh...nevermind.
"The person you've met on ........ is already looking for sex, so expect good results if you aren't pushy. Phone sex makes a great early experiment for couples looking into new ideas."
So do orgies. How do you casually bring up phone sex? Every single lady I'e tried to bring it up to sees my motives immediately. Then again, saying "call me up and let's have a cumtoberfest." isn't exactly casual.
"How do you start?"
WHAT?????????
"You need to break the ice once you've said hello."
Sex on the rocks...ain't no surprise....just tell me I'm huge...and then tell me more lies....
"You might start by slowly describing what you like to do to your partner. Some people use humor or a sexy joke to get things rolling. Just think of how you can make a gentle sexy comment to test the waters and let things go from there."
"I want to slobber all over your pussy" probably wouldn't be considered "gentle".
"All this talk about phone sex should mention paid phone sex lines. Paid phone sex can be highly erotic. That's why they are so popular."
No, they're popular because it's guaranteed success. It's a business.
"The difference between these partners and a real partner is thatyou don't have to break the ice. That's what you're paying for. You say hello and they are ready to go. If you want to practice your skills, this might be an option for people wanting to get the flavor of phone sex to determine if it's your kind of thing and is enjoyable to you."
Phone sex with someone who is paid to hear you and talk dirty with you doesn't strike me as erotic at all. It strikes me as pathetic. I'd much rather have it with a woman I've spent a little time getting to know and like. I'd rather the person I'm talking with collect an orgasm rather than collect a commission. And did he really say "the flavor of phone sex?" What the fuck?
"The downside is the cost. Paid phone sex is expensive. There are also some unsavory characters in the smaller services. If you choose to try this, go with one of the bigger, more established companies in order to get the most for your money."
I'll have to google "established phone sex companies".
"Overall, phone sex can be a great addition to your sexual repertoire, with lots of positives and very few negatives compared to some other types of alternative sex. If you haven’t done so already, give it a try!"
Best line of the article. And once you've given it a try, do it again. And again. Like the old saying goes.....vote early and vote often.
Hot Wheels;
Collecting shot glasses (despite never actually drinking alcohol);
Making fun of MySpace (and it doesn't take much to do THAT);
Sports;
Women;
Jessica Alba;
Coffee;
Cigarettes (It's a "love/hate" thing);
Any song by Barry Manilow or Clay Aiken (if you laugh, up yours);
My wife (and her endless patience with my insanity);
Our cats (whether they pull down curtains or steal my credit cards or not);
Pissing off politically correct people;
My best friend in California, Dawggie;
Making fun of Dawggie's horrible, miserable, worthless, moronic, useless ex-wife (I hope she falls down a manhole and the cover falls on the bitch);
My home girl in Utah;
Torturing people who've fucked with me on-line;
The character on Without A Trace, Danny, when he lays out that smirk. He makes that show.
(originally posted 9-13-2006)
1. Always use a sledge hammer when a regular hammer will do.
2. The best comeback to any insult is "fuck you", provided you wait no longer than 4 seconds to say it. And yes, I have a list of "missed opportunities" on THAT.
3. Burn the evidence. If it doesn't burn, bury it in the backyard of somebody you hate. Then tip the cops off from a pay phone.
4. All food is healthy. Otherwise, it wouldn't be food.
5. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. And follow it up with 2 pots of coffee and five Snickers bars (see rule #4).
6. If you're crazy enough to have cats, secure your curtains.
7. The best way to avoid having your identity stolen is to keep a horrible credit rating.
8. The surest way to know that somebody's pulling your chain on-line is if they say "I want to chat with you for a long time. You mean a lot to me." Okay, my friend in Utah is an exception.
9. MySpace: Narcissism and FREE PORN!
10. A lie told on-line is still a lie. As opposed to an off-line lie, which is a golf cart.
(originally posted 9-9-2006)
Update: The Browns went 10 and 6. WatchYOUtalkin' bout, Owl?
An illegal immigrant from China won a "first baby born" contest being offered by Toys UR Us. The rules specifically state that the mother must be a U.S. citizen or legal resident, so Toys awarded the first prize to the second baby born in 2007. Needless to say, special interest groups went bedwetter and started whining and complaining. Toys caved and awarded the first prize of 25 large in toys and playthings to the mothers of the three firstborn children born in 2007, including the illegal immigrant. Yet they continue to refuse MY request of free matchbox cars. Where's the outrage over MY predicament?
On the December 21st, Adam Schefter of the NFL Network--and one of the absolute BEST football reporters out there--reported that the Raiders would be firing their head coach, Art Shell. The Raiders then went out and promptly slimed Schefter the next day: "ADAM SCHEFTER HAS ALWAYS BEEN A FALSE RUMOR MONGERER WITH RESPECT TO THE RAIDERS AND ANTI-RAIDER BASED UPON HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH DENVER AND WITH MIKE SHANAHAN." And that was just the start. Guess what happened? Uh huh. The Raiders fired Shell a couple of days later. No wonder they can't get anybody to be their head coach.
Yahoo is still having major technical problems with blog entries. I'm still annoyed. Then again, I'm always annoyed.
The idiots are still parking their cars like Forrest Gump here in northern Georgia. Apparently, the lines are not to be parked between, but on and over. And it keeps getting worse. This is what happens when rednecks get corporate jobs and fancy cars.
My hot Swedish stripper has yet to arrive.
Bailey insists on sitting on my lap while I type this.
My USC Trojans destroyed the # 3 ranked Michigan Wolverines in the Rose Bowl on New Year's Day. Yet several weeks ago, in their last regular season game, they couldn't beat the mediocre UCLA Bruins.
Oliver started yowling for dinner two and half hours early today.
All these sugar babies expect to be paid for the honor of boinking them.
I talked to my friend in Ohio on Friday night. She took over my job running the mail room when I left. She informed me the data entry department is being phased out. Apparently, they're prepping orders that are mailed in, and then the orders are scanned into a system and another company is doing the entering at a much lower price. The guy who owns the company, and has always been a total scumbag, is adding to his millions. I guess his yacht--and he does have one--needed a new paint job. What a piece of trash.
Some of these women have been there over 20 years. We're talking 8 dollar an hour jobs, here. They'll be forced to quit or go to the phones--and that's if they're lucky. Oh, and they'll still have to prep the orders for scanning in between calls.
Whatchoofuckintalkin' bout, Fuckbag (you useless bucket of camel puke)??????