Other New Standard Lunacy

So.....hoot hoot hoot! Santa Owl's taking care of some very special boys and girls this year. So let's start off with Little Terrell Owens!

T.O., you've always been a very very bad little boy. But spitting in another player's face this year is simply unacceptable! Now, Santa Owl understands that being a totally hyperactive putz may not be your fault. So instead of coal, I'm bringing you something very much needed:


That's right T.O. Santa Owl is giving you a free year's supply of Ritalin! Enjoy, you freaking lunatic!

Well, how are all of Santa Owl's favorite bitches and pimps doing? Now if you could all stop staring at your sparkling banners and referring to yourselves as raw sewage for a moment, Santa Owl has TWO gifts for you good people. First off, Santa Owl is sending you something you desperately need: Humility. Now, Santa Owl knows that you won't actually USE this, but at least you'll have some in stock in case you change what poses for your minds.

Hey there! Santa Owl sends love and good wishes to his favorite lemur! Now Santa Owl realizes that this is a bit embarrassing, but really, there's no need to feel that way! Hanging from trees all day CAN'T be easy. And nothing's worse that getting all itchy when searching for nuts and berries! No, it's not easy being a lemur, but I'm here to make it just a little easier!


All of you "ams" have been VERY naughty little girls this year! Santa Owl doesn't like naughty kids like you! So Santa Owl has reached out to Interpol and arranged for all of you hard working, Honest and Faithful people to enjoy a luxurious stay at a very special spa!

Hey Ozzie. Listen, I know it's not easy being a shell of your former self (especially when your former self was a no talented screaming hack), but Santa Owl is here to give you a gift which you should give you hours of pleasure!

Well, now all you hard working sugar babies should get what you deserve this holiday season! So Santa Owl is more than happy to oblige!

All of you wonderful bots have given me such a sense of fulfillment by allowing me to whisper to you, here's a very special present from Santa Owl to you!

Ty, you're still screeching through that horrible bullhorn. So Santa Owl is sending YOU muzzle! I only hope it fits over that gigantic yap of yours! Don't just choke on all those fake tears, okay?

All The Whiny, Anti-Holiday Jerkoffs

Yeah.....you people who go around preaching tolerance and open mindedness and yet can't stand the very sight of a menorrah, Christmas tree or manger scene and fight to have them taken down from public viewing. Since you creeps don't seem to understand the actual meaning of the word "tolerance", Santa Owl is getting you hypocritical bedwetters a dictionary for Christmas! That way, you can look up what certain words mean. Seriously, you people need to get a life, and quit butting in on everybody else's holiday fun, you new age nitwits.

Oh, and since saying these words might offend you, let Santa Owl make sure you hear them loud and clear:

MERRY
CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just to offend you a little MORE:

Awwwwwwwwwww! Santa Owl put in a manger scene and a menorrah! Are all the Scrooges out there offended? Santa Owl HOPES SO!

(originally posted 12-21-2006)